How To Get Invited Back (Or Stir Up Wrath)

This lovely place isn't mine - in my apartment the shelves are overflowing with books.

A couple of friends came to visit recently. One was a dream guest, and the other...she was the kind of person who kept me from sleeping as I fumed in frustration.  She wasn't the very worst of course. My worst houseguests of all time include: the provocative one who chatted up my date, seduced him in front of me, and had a ménage à trois with one of my siblings (all in the same night)...or perhaps it was the girl who brought home two clawful stray cats, unleashing a flea infestation. Or maybe it was the crazy (ex) boyfriend who got into a shouting match with my stepfather. It's a miracle I ever invited anyone over again. 

Some people act totally normal until they cross state lines or go to another country. Then they become a totally different person - or beast! So here's how to be a dream guest, or a guest from hell.

TO BE A GUEST FROM HELL:

-Make sure to visit when you are sick/covered in sores and highly contagious. Use all glasses and towels with reckless abandon.

-Complain the entire time.

-Don't bathe for the duration of your visit. 

-Have sex with your host's brother/sister/parent... while your host is at home.

-Eat most of the host's food. Leave the dirty dishes out.

-Borrow your host's clothes and return them damaged. 

-Wake up your host by being noisy in the morning or late at night. Use the microwave at dawn.

-Spill coffee or curry on the host's sofa and never acknowledge the giant stain that acts as an eternal reminder of your visit.

-Bring over stray animals or people or infestations, or some combination of the above.

-Flirt with your host's partner. Casually walk around naked when he's around.

-Insult, challenge or criticize your host. (Yes, these have all happened to me!)

TO BE A DREAM GUEST:

-Bring a present (e.g. a book on a topic that interests the person, a Dyptique candle, or a bottle of wine/bourbon/ Champagne, or if on a tight budget: bring a drawing or some fresh cookies).

-Offer to do the dishes or scramble some eggs in the morning (or both).

-Be cheerful. 

-If you finish your host's milk or cereal replace it.

-Be respectful of your host's sleeping schedule.

-Invite your host out to breakfast or dinner. 

-Bring home cupcakes or almond croissants if your host has a sweet tooth.

-Optional: if you notice the host is low on toilet paper or toiletries get some more of the same kind. Same with detergent if you're running the washing machine while visiting.

-Find some fun events that take place the days you're visiting and see if your host wants to check them out.

In two different cities, while looking for a place to live, I followed the dream guest rules and was invited to stay for over six weeks! (Thank you, C. and G., I love you.) 

The longer you stay, the more kind gestures you should make.