I can't.

In high school I made a mixtape of all the most depressing songs I could think of. I called it I CAN’T… The tape dissapeared. A few years later I made another one. It’s around here somewhere. I’m trying to remember what songs are on it- I haven’t listened to it in a while. The concept was a collection of songs to really emphasize my subterranean feeling until I couldn’t feel any worse and I got sick of hearing sad melodies. The mix included Sigur Ros, Squarepusher’s cover of Love Will Tear Us Apart, the Cedar Room by Doves, Radiohead’s High and Dry, a few others and this song from this one time I fell in love. It was the night before I was moving to Italy and he was going back to California and we knew we wouldn’t see each other for at least a year and he wanted to tattoo a drawing I did on his arm but instead we lay in bed, under a duvet, even though it was August in New York City, and listened to Boards of Canada…

Here are some things I do when I can’t find that mixtape:

+Spread (non-toxic) white school glue on my hands and peel it off after it’s dried. (Not recommended if you’re extremely hairy.)

+Take a walk. Cry.

+Take a hot bath.

+Forget myself with a movie. (example: Wet Hot American Summer.)

+Climb a tree.

+Draw on my arms.

+Write. Paint.

+Hang out with someone funny.

+Wait.